Pardon us, but we moustache you a serious question. Do you know what your facial hair says about you?
If there’s one thing we’ve learned, it’s that all of our choices show who we are. Just like the various themes of your favourite online pokies reflect your personality, so too do the clothes you wear – and the hairstyles on your head and your face that you choose.
Whenever people meet, they make an impression on each other. That’s a given, so why not be in control of the image you project? Let your moustache do some of the talking for you! You might think that women’s hairstyles are more complicated and say more about who they are, but friends, you would be wrong. Pogonologist (that’s “beard scholar” to the plebeians) Alan Peterkin explains that we can often interpret moustaches incorrectly, ascribing personality traits to men who don’t have them. We know you wouldn’t want that.
The time for making clear decisions about your “face mane” is definitely now. November is when the month-long “Movember” event is held, and it’s a great cause to get behind. Started in Melbourne in 2003, the movement has spread to over 20 countries. The Movember Foundation funds education and research into men’s health issues, such as prostate and testicular cancer. Facial hair in November is the “hairy awareness ribbon” and provides an easy way to start talking about health in a real, honest way. So, check out the moustache styles below, and think carefully about which of them you should be rocking.
The Full Beard
Scholarly with possible religious connotations, this is an older man’s facial hair of choice. Loveable, but also sexy, mature, confident and groomed, you command respect wherever you go!
This look is a little past its sell-by date. Peterkin says it was huge in the mid-90s, so if you wear it you might look as if you’re trying to relive those glory days. Having said that, it also suggests that you’re casual, easy-going and open to experimentation and new ideas. Maybe you’ll attract a significant other who knows they can change your facial hair to be its best self.
The Pencil is very classic, and gives an aristocratic, well-groomed air if it’s done right. Just be careful; it can also make you look like an assassin with issues, a drug kingpin, or an instructor at the sleaziest Tango hall in town.
The Chinstrap can look somewhat desperate. You have to have the personality to pull it off. Maintaining this look takes a lot of effort, so this style says you’re a perfectionist who values precision and accuracy. The look is also youthful; so don’t wear it after you’re past a certain age. As you might imagine, it doesn’t really pair well with a bald head or salt-and-pepper locks.
The Soul Patch
Growing and wearing a Soul Patch is simple and doesn’t require much commitment, so it’s a good option if you’re still on the moustache fence. Your offbeat, creative and sensitive sides will also shine through with this look so it’s a way to assert your right to facial hair if you work in an industry where it’s often frowned upon.
Handlebar moustaches are ultra-hipster, but also very high maintenance. If you prioritise taking care of your appearance but you’re also a vegan who plays guitar, this is the style for you.
If you’re rocking the Horseshoe, you are a special kind of Real Man. This strong, straight style is a staple for bikers, convicts, and other badasses. Peterkin explains that it’s so distinctive it often becomes associated with specific celebrities who wear it, such as Hulk Hogan. So if you want your look to say “I’m a wrestler with poor impulse control” go ahead and grow a Horseshoe.
Inspired by the Surrealist movement’s most famous painter, this moustache is as eccentric as Salvador Dali himself. You’re creative, but you can also come across as vain or even narcissistic. If you go for a Dali, make sure that the tips point to the 10 o’clock and 2 o’clock positions, and make sure that you’re wearing it ironically.
The Magnum PI
Nobody is ever going to wear this moustache as well as Tom Selleck did in Magnum PI, so just accept that and don’t even try. However, if you’re lean, serious and incapable of suffering fools, you can wear it well and pay homage to Mr Selleck.
You’ll score a little indie cred with the Hipster, and if you pull it off you can look like the confident cool kid you always wanted to be in high school. You’re fun, and you don’t take anything in life (yourself included) too seriously. Once again, make sure you do this right. Done wrong, the Hipster can look incredibly creepy – think 1970’s porn star.